23 September 2011

|| Feeling like myself ||

I come from Seattle, a glorious land. A land flowing with milk and honey {hopefully you get that reference}. It has been quite the adjustment, actually I haven't adjusted to living in Switzerland. Switzerland is a land of it's own and I would say quite opposite of all things I know and am used to. {You can read this post here if you want to read details of the change.} My life in one swoop changed for the complete opposite. I have never been one for change. Not one bit. But as much as I don't like it, I except that I cannot avoid it. Well, for the most part I cannot avoid it. I have been struggling living in this "opposite" world and I don't just mean the physical place where I live. There are times in life where you can find yourself lost. I have never felt more lost. I am confident this is not the most lost someone can feel, but for me this is my "lost" stage. I don't quite feel myself here. It doesn't really matter the reason, I don't think the reason is the point. The point is that I feel this way and it is happening. Not only do I physically live in that opposite world, but I feel my opposite self in so many ways. It is something that I am all to aware of and I don't know what to think about this funk I am in. I am hoping in the near future I can find my way out of this stage of my life. There has only been a few times where I have shared parts of this struggle because I don't tend to proclaim defeat or struggles to people. But I am at the point where keeping it secret, isn't a good thing either. Part of the reason is I know that what I feel is so fragile and hard to put in words, that it would be impossible for anyone to understand. And of course with my fear of being misunderstood, I just keep it low key and relatively to myself. 
There is little I feel in control of and like I said, so little I can feel myself in. However, I have this here blog. I feel like I have said this before somewhere, but honestly having a blog has been the one consistent control over something that I have. And I will take that. For me, blogging has always felt like a glorified journal. What better "journal" to have then one you can add pictures and videos to? None better. Since 2006, I have my little blog world. What an amazing outlet it has become. There are many people I know who don't blog or who blog, but are not very dedicated to it and I just don't understand not having a desire to keep track of memories. Not only is it an easy way to preserve memories and thoughts, but it can be so fun. I understand not everyone is a "journaler" or cares too much, but I don't know what I would do without the last five years of my life recorded. I remember when I was younger keeping journals...well sometimes they were more like silly diaries, but to have that record of who I was at stages of my life has felt like a huge blessing. I am someone who evolves, I like to keep myself "updated", growing and constantly improving myself. With that comes some slight and sometimes big changes in my life. Sometimes while I am sitting I ponder, actually it is more than just pondering...I try to literally imagine that person I was when I was 12, 16, 18 or 23. I know it was me, but sometimes I feel so distant from that person. Maybe that is normal, but I just want to have a piece of that person. I have had one fabulous life, in my view, and sometimes just having a glimpse at where I was and how I became the me I am now, is such a thing I desire. It is so important to me to always be me and no one else.  
I have been reading and searching my first blog {I had to start a new blog because I ran out of photo space and didn't want to pay for a blog or more space. Which I get nervous for the day it will happen again that I run out of photo space} and it brings such joy. There are so many experiences, thoughts, feelings and moments in my life there on that blog. Four out of my five years of college are on there and the life I had in between semesters of college. A great life, a life I would be so sad to have forgotten. There is so much of my teenager life that I have forgotten and I wish as a teenager I kept better record. One of the reasons I love taking photographs so much is that I can keep that memory locked up. When some people might tease about taking pictures of silly events or any event really, I am just happy I will be able to have that proof of that moment for years to come. Then that photo taking turned into having a blog. 
I would be so sad if I forgot...
how I felt my last real day of college
the influential friends I made in college
little moments of daily college life
what it felt like to be busy with homework
my secret love of being on campus for many hours
the summer of big changes
random photobooth pictures
thanksgiving after thanksgiving
utah after utah after utah
halloween as an adult
the tradition of The Farm
these random thoughts
many stages of my hair
my first & maybe last Bumbershoot
the huge Moab adventure
my big personal revelation
lovely things that inspired me
music that influenced my life
These are not even the half of it. Many more memories of family, music, friends, concerts, classes, projects, homework, events, daily life and beautiful inspiration. These are the years I figured out who I was and would feel so sad to forget it all. Now, I don't have to forget. I can always go back and read it all.
That has always been the main reason I have a blog, for me. Also because I love sharing, showing what I love and my personal view of what is "lovely". I feel I have my own unique voice in this world and when you feel like you have a voice, you should share it.  You may have noticed the rapid pace in which I blog these days, that is one part because I have lots of time on my hands and one part because I have so much I love and want to share. Sometimes there are things that are super "old news", that I meant to post about ages before I actually got to it, BUT I couldn't get myself to not post it. I have tried. My brain has GOT to share it. I have got to share a beautiful couch or a beautiful song. If I keep it to myself I feel like I'm cheating someone from seeing or hearing something wonderful. Lately, I have had little of my personal life to share, but I have folders and folders of lovely things that I am eager to share with you daily. It is my favorite part of my day. It is my ME time. This is the time I feel most myself. And if you feel like you need a boost on "journaling" more I hope you take it, you will not regret it when you can look back and see what you have accomplished and become. I hope you continue to join in on the fun I am having on my blog. 


Savanna said...

I never knew that you wrote a blog about me? Ok so I was included in it. Oh I miss college a LOT, remember how we would just sit on the couch for hours and sing and talk about nothing... yeah... that's legit!! :)

stephanie said...

Don't worry, it's normal to miss your old life. For me, it has taken going back to that old life (visiting Utah, attending mission reunions, etc.) and realizing that I've moved on, that I'm just romanticizing it and that, instead of wishing I was back there, to just remember it and be grateful for how it shaped me.

I clicked on a couple of your links to old blog posts - that Bumpershoot day was fun. I'm glad we shared that with you. And that Pumpkin Farm post - that was the day my bangs were REALLY bad. And that's about it (because that's all I was in!) - except I love seeing posts of Julene because she's hilarious.

Hey, you'll get over this rough patch. You might have to DO something to get over it, but whatever that is will make you a better person.

Liz Lopez said...

I love your post, I actually know what you are going through, I know is not easy.You have inspired me in many ways in the past and you just did it again with this post. I think I will start writing more on my blog, it has been put in the back burner for way too long. As to not feeling like yourself, my experience has been that it will pass, it is difficult sometimes more than others but finding something you like or brings you back to self is the way to go, like your blogging. Keep it up, I look at every new post, and find myself jealous of your cool style :)