03 July 2011

I feel the gloom.

Some days and some nights, I just feel gloomy. You would think that living in Europe and the beautiful Switzerland would be amazing every second. For me, it is not. It is a battle living here, a battle to remain positive and happy. A lot of the time I am happy of course and it is not a struggle to be so. But feelings of sadness, loneliness, feeling stuck, feeling restricted and feeling like there are no opportunities for me here remains on a too often basis. Most of my days I am stuck inside my home, far up the mountain. I have no means to get anywhere unless my husband is home and even though he would take me anywhere I wanted to go, I still feel like I am at college begging for a ride. On top of that after he gets home from work, we only have about 2 hours till all the stores close. It is a change to be living somewhere so far from the hustle and bustle. It is a change living so very conscious of gas. Do you know that it is about $8 a gallon here? We live near a bus stop that would take me to a train, but it would cost me $20 round trip to go into the city. It is a struggle to feel myself here. It has been quite the adjustment from living a daily life of feeling myself to the complete change of life that I have here where I feel my daily life is so limited. I can't just go do things myself, there is no beach I can just go relax at, no Target nearby to go wander the aisles and no craft stores near by that has an endless supply of goods that keep me happy and busy indoors. I can't run to the store when I have forgotten something, I end up having to wait days or a week to get it. There are no fun shops to see, no fun restaurants to try, and no movie theatre that costs less than an arm and a leg. This could seem like a silly thing to fret over, but when your sense of freedom has diminished it can bring your spirits way down. I often don't express this part of my current life, only to my husband, so it just builds inside. Though I live in such a beautiful part of the world, I hardly get to see any of it. However sad that thought makes me, I am grateful that I can look out my window or walk down the street and see beautiful rolling green hills. It is just the struggle of staying happy and positive about it that gets me. I knew it would be hard to move here, I knew that the moment I made the decision to live here, but knowing it is going to happen and actually living it is very different. I often think that time passing will heal these feelings, but I am not always hopeful of that. So, that is me right now in life...torn between enjoying life and feeling down about it.

1 comment:

Mel said...

I read this about a week ago already and literally didn't know what to say. I can so understand you. Although I live in the center of Dortmund now I do come from a small village in germany. I can totally relate to your feeling of being trapped. Not a very good feeling and I hope you can do something about it. I got rid of it moving to Berlin...I felt free and wonderful...now in Dortmund...I feel the same trapped icky feeling again...hard to explain...but it's not healthy.