14 June 2011

The pursuit of happiness

I have so many thoughts in my head. So many that I don't know how to organize them right now so that I can say written what my mind is thinking. A theme throughout my life is the organization of words...whether being the hardship I have faced in life not being able to literally speak and get my words out right or the time I have taken in life to carefully word papers or the learning of another language. Also, the way in which I organize my words to express to someone my true feelings or to suppress words I wish I could say for the sake of the other person. I have always struggled with this and I think more so in the last year than ever. I have to keep inside things I feel and want to say. I don't know where this came from or why I am this way. It may be the result of a fear of people misunderstanding me and my intent or the feeling of being belittled when I do say "the wrong thing". A friend once asked me what my biggest fear in life was. After a bit of thought, I concluded to him that not being understood is my fear. People who have appeared in different stages of life as well as people close to me in my life has without knowing made me feel really small and powerless. I have had times in life where I have felt powerful of course, but I think those moments of power often get overshadowed by those lingering feelings of lack of power. Although I know I have power in myself to be great, I all too often let my own thoughts of doubt or the discouragement of others feed too much in my decision making, or the lack thereof. The majority of my life I have suppressed these feelings of powerlessness and felt I could just take it upon myself to better myself instead of sharing with others my truest feelings. It is funny how hard you can battle inside yourself two complete opposite thoughts or feelings. In one case I really don't care what others think. I have a vast knowledge of who I am and the self I have become, whereas on the other side I hold on too much to what someone might say negatively even though I know that holds no relevance into how I feel about myself. As humans, I know its not just me, we battle two sides so much. I think because of my faith in God I am able to see the right way of thinking about myself and life, but still as a human being have to learn to suppress all other faithless, self doubt thoughts. I can remember times when I have felt so insignificant. A few years ago I began to make a change in my life. I decided to speak up for myself more often, to be more honest in my conversations(not in the sense that I used to lie but just being more open) with others and myself, and to be more daring. I have succeeded greatly in this, but of course with everything there is opposition. Which of course is good, because a little opposition just makes one stronger. I have just feel so much in life that I have a voice that needs to be let out. I began to be more brave in physical actions{going to college alone, men, friends, travel, moving to Europe} as well in personal decisions and not letting other's coaxing try to convince me to do things I didn't want to do. This bravery and the fight to be myself has been just that, a fight. A inner personal struggle. A few years ago I began to use this blog as an outlet. Pretty cliche, but true. I have things I love and parts of life that I wanted to share and felt really happy inside doing it. I think for some people "blogging" sprouts a personal connection whereas others might just simply blog and not think much of it. For me it has been my own little thing that I have created to get my voice out of my head and onto something. They may be just little things that I love, but even in that I feel as though I am able to show a piece of me. In all honesty my brain works in a very creative, artistic way. I cannot look at something and not think about the line spacing, the type, the even distance around it, the use of color, the way it is set on the table, the direction it is facing, the texture, the way it is designed etc. That is why I share what I share because it is what I feel and think about on a daily, hourly basis. But lately as I have had a few breakdowns the last few months, I have realized I don't think I share enough of my inner personal thoughts with people. I think all this keeping things inside just builds up till that moment I get so overwhelmed with things going on in my life. I have decided one way, one outlet in which I can feel more "letting it out" is through my blog. As open of a person I can be, I shy away from "presenting" my own thoughts to people. In an intimate setting I will tell all, but till now I haven't been able to share it more freely. I have always been bad at small talk and for sometime just talking to people in general. It has been pointed out to me that this could make me seem unfriendly, however in my own head I just know I a. my mouth can move faster than my brain causing my words to not be clear and it is a really hard and embarrassing for me b. I feel really dumb when talking about myself to people. I remember listening to a roommate once talk and talk about herself and I just remember thinking gah, I wish I could do that. Not because I felt the need to "talk about myself" but just being able to express my interests and things I feel to others without feeling inside that I am "talking about myself" does that eve make sense? c. which is an extension of what I just wrote, but my fear of saying the wrong thing or "talking about myself" just makes me not want to talk to people. Luckily writing has always been my friend and I am much better at expressing feelings in writing than face to face. Voila, I have a blog. There have been times when someone has written or said something about something I blogged which made me feel dumb inside, but right after I felt dumb I pushed those feelings aside and realized I can be happy about it regardless. So all that I have been saying comes down to...is lately I have been feeling really repressed, anxious, stumped, and not letting enough of myself out that it is causing me to have breakdowns and in turn letting my fears of things overrule my feelings of being powerful. I often feel unheard, sometimes by  my own doing, but feel a bit of an awakening and want to share on my blog, in addition to what I already love to share, more what's going on in this brain of mine. So instead of being shy or afraid how others may perceive my words, I am just going to go for it. I have been looking for ways to be more myself and to be happier and I already know taking time for my blog makes me happy, so I am going to put more into it. I am on a path to better myself as I always try to do, and this will be another way to do so. A way to feel liberated and to hold back no longer.


Jennifer said...

I absolutely love this blog entry. I dont know if i am the only reader out there who has felt almost the exact same way as you. Well except I dont see things with the artistic mind you do, wish I did but I dont. A lot of what you said are things I have felt and written about before in my personal journal. I suppose because of the fear of putting toooo much out there for the world to see. I feared that what others would think of me and most of all if i was simply the one with the "problem" feeling these things, alone.
Writing is the best outlet (in my opinion). I, myself enjoy writing and reading "real" blog entries.
so thanks for writing one, and "keep up the great work!"

kaitlin said...

i like this one too.
i can sure tell when you are talking about me.
and i love that you are posting all of the time. except when i don't comment for ages and come back to fine 16 posts. and that's just on one blog. and you have like seven.